Separating Amicably and with Dignity – how do you do it?

2016. What a year. It brought us more medals at the Olympics and Paralympics than ever before. It brought terror attacks from Egypt to Northern Europe. It saw Tim Peak, the first European space agency astronaut, complete his space mission. It brought us Brexit and Trump. It saw the death of music’s George Michael, David Bowie and Prince. It also saw the breakdown of well-known couples, such as Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, Gary and Danielle Lineker, Cheryl Fernandez-Versini and John Bernard and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. However, was it the year where such well-known people were separating amicably and with dignity?

Perhaps the most talked about separation was that of Jolie and Pitt, maybe because they have children, or maybe because of the way they have conducted themselves after their separation. Information was leaked from both sides with the reasons they were separating. We were told that Angelina wanted “full custody” of their children and we were told that Brad only saw the divorce papers hours before they were formally filed in court.

For a couple who are known for their forward thinking approach to life, how was it that they allowed their separation to become a media frenzy? Is it because they received bad advice? Or is it because of the way each of them were feeling, and they then allowed those feelings to cloud the decisions they made at what was inevitably a very difficult time for them both.

Should they have looked at separating amicably and with dignity, and if so, how?

The problems faced by separating couples, with or without children, are the same, whether you are the Jolie Pitts, or part of a less well-known couple. Quite often, whether you separate or not is not your choice. How you conduct yourself after a separation can be your choice. Whether the decision to separate is yours or not, most people will experience feelings of loss, hurt or anger. Recognising that those feelings are normal and perhaps to be expected is a good place to start.

Sometimes, when you feel hurt, let down or angry, there may be a temptation to want to cause feelings of hurt to your ex-partner. The heated conversations over the children and when they spend time with each parent, or the threat of court proceedings can become common place. Those conversations are often damaging and emotionally wearing.

When couples separate, they have options. They have the option to do nothing, to take stock and get used to their new separated status. Perhaps the Jolie Pitts would have done well to initially take this approach. Discussions may need to take place about arrangements for the children, the house and finances, and those discussions can of course be face to face, with the help of a mediator, or facilitated by experienced collaborative solicitors.

The question that I am most often asked in those circumstances is do I need legal advice, and if I do need it, when do I need it? My answer is always the same. Good legal guidance, often from a trained collaborative lawyer who will also give you information and support at an early stage will help you make informed decisions. It will help you through what may prove a difficult process and may prevent you making the same mistakes as the Jolie Pitts.

If you are separating amicably and with dignity in 2017 choose the collaborative process as it is an investment for your future.

Trevor Gay of Kidd & Spoor Solicitors, is a specially trained collaborative lawyer and can be contacted on 0191 297 0011 or via email on whitley.bay@kiddspoorlaw.com

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Will Writing Companies Dangers and Pitfalls

Have you or a member of your family been approached by a will writing company?

A cold call over the telephone or at your door?

Somebody recommended through your bank or building society?

Time and again we are consulted by individuals or couples who have come into contact with such organisations. The documents produced are usually beautifully bound, presented in an attractive folder and run to many pages.

Sadly, more often than not the paperwork is either inadequate, serves no purpose at all or, occasionally, does more harm than good. Usually two thirds of the text within the documents is unnecessary, confusing and, in our view, designed to expand the bundle of papers to make it look like value for money. These “packages” are frequently sold to couples in retirement who have a house and/or savings that they wish to protect.

We regularly take instructions from people living locally who have engaged a will writing company many hundreds of miles away and, sometimes, everything has been dealt with by post or over the telephone. The risks for the client are significant.

Many will writers are not regulated by any form of professional body.

If mistakes are made, they may not have adequate insurance to protect you.

The agents sometimes appoint themselves as executors or trustees unnecessarily.

Occasionally the company ceases trading, trustees cannot be found and investments are “trapped”.

Increasingly, over the last ten or more years, we have been faced with distraught couples or widows /widowers who have been reassured by the will writer that everything is in order, only to discover, once the documents have been examined by one of our lawyers, that basic errors have been made. The will writing companies routinely charge thousands of pounds to carry out work which, in most cases, is either completely unnecessary or incorrect. Most clients that we look after in these circumstances tell us that they were never given a proper explanation about anything, but trusted the people involved. Sadly, in many cases, that trust has been betrayed.

At Kidd & Spoor we have a team of expert lawyers dealing with wills, trusts, powers of attorney, retirement planning and everything connected with later life. You will meet a real person. We will explain clearly what our recommendations are in your circumstances. It is never a case of “one size fits all” as a lot of will writers assume.

It will cost you nothing for an initial consultation. If you have any concerns about your position, or that of any member of your family, bring the documents in, and see one of our solicitors. It will not take long for us to figure out whether your position is secure. We will provide honest, clear advice and can recommend any changes that suit your circumstances.

We have looked after families since 1870, and will continue doing so for many more years.

Reached boiling point this Christmas?

Christmas should be a wonderful time for everyone. Sadly that isn’t the case for all of us.

Pressure to create a perfect Christmas, coupled with spending time together or with extended family members and the added financial burden can all contribute to a tense and pressurised environment.

The decision to separate should never be taken lightly and can often be a difficult one to make, especially when surrounded by adverts of happy families spending Christmas together. If you are experiencing relationship difficulties this added pressure can often be the final straw. Initially people want advice about their children and financial matters, with advice about a divorce being low on their list.

If you are considering a separation, or, if one has been forced on you, it is always helpful to get early information and advice. Kidd and Spoor have a specialised family team who will be happy to help.