Arranging Christmas contact for separated families
At this time of year, we are often contacted by separated or co-parenting families with questions around Christmas arrangements. Which parent should my child spend Christmas with? How do I fix child contact arrangements for Christmas when my ex and I don’t agree? What are my rights for seeing my children over Christmas? What about the needs of Step-children, Half siblings and wider families?
Handling Christmas arrangements with a Child Arrangements Order
If you have a Child Arrangements Order in place that does not set out arrangements for Christmas, and you cannot agree, you can make an application to vary the Child Arrangements Order, so Christmas arrangements are set out in an Order for the future.
If you do not have a Child Arrangements Order in place and you are unable to agree Christmas contact arrangements for your children, it is important to allow sufficient time before Christmas to seek advice from a specialist family lawyer and undertake any advised actions.
Common ways to divide the Christmas holidays
Generally speaking, separated parents agree Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day are “ring fenced” and are dealt with separately to the rest of the holiday period.
It is up to you how Christmas is divided. It is common for separated parents to alternate Christmas Day with the children each year, so both parents get the chance to experience the magic of Christmas Eve and morning.
Another option is to share Christmas Day with a handover after lunch or teatime if you live close to one another. You could also divide the holidays so one parent has one week with Christmas and the other has New Year and this could alternate each year.
By making the arrangements between yourselves, you can ensure they are suitable for your children and manageable for both parents. In most cases there is not likely to be any significant “welfare” issue and so the Courts are not always the best way to resolve issues. In fact, a Court could Order something neither party is happy with.
Tips for agreeing on Christmas contact
It is always best if parents can reach an agreement between themselves, so let’s start with some general tips that will hopefully help you plan for Christmas without the need to engage a family lawyer.
1. Start discussions early
It may feel too early to fix a schedule. However, I always advise separated parents to begin Christmas holiday child contact arrangement discussions as early as possible, to allow plenty of time for resolving out any issues.
Agreeing arrangements now – even if you keep them flexible to allow for circumstance changes – will provide some certainty and allow all of you to enjoy the run up to Christmas with any difficult conversations already out of the way.
This can often be done as soon as the school timetable is known but even if we are passed this, the earlier the better.
2. Open Communication
Communication between separated parents can be difficult so I would suggest approaching the other parent using your usual method of communication to initiate a discussion about sharing the Christmas holidays. If you find it difficult to talk to your ex-partner, then consider asking a family member or friend to be present during the discussions. You should choose someone you both trust and get along with.
3. Listen and be willing to compromise
It is very important you keep an open mind when having discussions with the other parent and you should be prepared to compromise to reach an agreement that is in the best interests of your children. A lack of willingness to compromise runs the risk of communication with the other parent breaking down resulting in the need to seek assistance from a solicitor.
4. Stay neutral and avoid emotive language
As far as possible, keep emotions out of discussions. Your children’s best interests are the most important consideration when making the arrangements and you should always have this in mind. Stay focused on agreeing an outcome that works for everyone.
When you are talking about plans, be mindful that your children may overhear you or perhaps see what you are sending to the other parent. Try to remain calm and do not say bad things about each other in front of your children.
5. Consider Children’s Views Without Asking Them to Choose
If your children are old enough, they may have their own views on how they want to spend their Christmas holidays. It is important to listen to your children and let them know you are taking their opinions seriously. However, you also need to tell your children the arrangements may not be exactly what they want.
Whilst your children may express their views about the arrangements for Christmas, it is unfair to ask children what they want arrangements to look like, as this may place them under pressure. They may try to please you or become upset if they feel they are being unfair to the other parent.
6. Set out your agreement in writing
When you reach an agreement, it is advisable to set this out in writing in an email and send it to the other parent to confirm agreement. If there are any issues, these can be ironed out in good time before Christmas. This should also help to avoid any misunderstandings during the festive season as you will have something to refer back to.
7. Stick to the agreed plan
When you have agreed arrangements, stick to them. Follow the hand-over times you have agreed and make sure you don’t speak unkindly to or about the other parent in front of the children. If you have any issues, address these at a later time, such as after bedtime or by email or text.
Options if You Can’t Reach an Agreement
If you have not been able to agree Christmas contact arrangements, you don’t have an existing court order in place, and there are no specific concerns these are the steps you should follow:
1. Initial advice. If you make an enquiry at Kidd and Spoor, we will take some brief details from you before arranging an initial meeting with you. During this initial meeting, we can provide you with legal advice to help you agree arrangements and assist you in reaching an agreement with the other parent. We offer fixed fee initial consultations for your first hour so you know exactly how much it will cost.
2. Assisted negotiations. Following your initial advice, if you are still struggling to reach an agreement with your child’s other parent, we can negotiate on your behalf.
3. Mediation. If you are still unable to agree with the assistance of a solicitor, mediation can often assist in reaching an agreement. Mediation is a form of dispute resolution that is encouraged by the family Court. An initial meeting with a mediator is usually required before any Court proceedings can be issued.
If the issue is urgent or there is insufficient time to attend mediation, an application to the court can be made without the need for a mediation referral.
4. Application the Court. If you are still unable to agree on child contact arrangements, the last option is to make an application to the family court for a Child Arrangements Order that will set out the times that the child or children spend with each parent.
Court orders should only be used as a last resort. The court has to make a decision which it believes to be in the children’s best interests, which is a difficult task when the judge does not know you or your children and has to make a decision there and then. The court’s decision may not be what you, the other parent or your children want.
Now the easy bit is out of the way, you only need to deal with presents, food…
